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P33ish082: "Bleed On Me"

This is bliss.


Laying here on this patch of grass staring up at the Christmas sky, quiet. We never needed words, you and I. We are tactile people: feeling, touching, breathing each other in. This is our happy place. We are our happy place. Nothing, no one else matters when it’s just us. There are no beginnings, no endings; time doesn’t matter. Here, I am just Passion, and you are just Duty. Ordinary people. 


This is our safe place.  We are calm. We are at peace.  We are home.
You are home. You love it this way. Me, right where you prefer me, exactly how you prefer me: silent, just here, asking nothing of you. You of course never ask anything of me; not unless you are willing to give it too. And so you don’t ask for much; only that I be here, now. Because here and now is all you give. So this makes you happy: this silent stillness.
But it won’t last and we know it.
Recent posts

P33ish088: What To Do If You're Being Gaslighted

The gaslight tango:

<<<Continued from HERE>>>

In her piece for vox.com's First person, Psychoanalyst Robin Stern, PhD, shares a story about a couple she'd once worked with, Janine and Dan (not real names).

The couple was enjoying their newlywed life until the gaslighting started. Dan would frequently comment about how Janine didn’t have anything to contribute to their financial picture. At first, Janine didn’t take the criticism seriously — even though she admittedly wasn’t great at saving, she was making a great salary and contributed her fair share. She dismissed Dan’s barbs as “cute” and part of their banter. When they had kids and decided that Janine would stay home and care for them, Dan took a higher paying job that involved a lot of travel. That’s when Janine began to notice that he was growing distant, a claim he immediately dismissed. She also noticed that Dan would take out large withdrawals from their joint account while he was on the road, even tho…

P33ish087: Gaslighting 101, How To Tell If It's Happening To You

The first time I was ever gaslighted, the person told me, "you have such anger issues," when I snatched their phone out their hands because of something I'd seen that piqued my curiosity. I didn't know what it was then, of course: didn't know gaslighting even was a word, or thing. But the effect of that statement on me, bare months into being intimate with this person, was that I actually began to consider that I might indeed have anger issues, even though I had never raised my voice on them or anyone or verbally lashed out at them or anyone or even picked an actual face-to-face fight with this person until that night; and for reasons which turned out to be valid 'cause they had in fact been doing what I'd been afraid they'd been doing. I use "afraid," and that's even a PTSD term because I had KNOWN what they were doing but they made it about me having anger issues anyway. And then of course, further down the road, they'd use my pas…

P33ish086: How To Write Around Your Writer's Block

Many writers hit that block where nothing's just flowing. It's that point where you’re just bleh up there: mentally blocked, uninspired, just not knowing what to write or where to begin or how to continue. It happens to even the best of us, and for a number of reasons. The common reasons why your words aren't coming are:

-Depression: writing is an art, so you can't zombie through it. It requires feeling, actual interest, love, passion, and an active mood. When you’re depressed, your mood is blank--for the most part, and in this condition, you’re not even interested in anything, least of all write something that requires you being hyped, something that your mind is probably already discarding before you’ve even gotten started; so why bother, right? “Nobody reads that shit anyway,” and so you just let it be.

P33ish085: Mental Health - A Little Get Out Of Mind Jail Free Card Hack

Let me start this by saying a very big thank you to the handful of you who read something on this blog and just take it upon yourself to check in on me. I am well, thank you.

Being a Personal Essayist is basically a posh way of saying you've made an art of documenting your own experiences with a little (or, okay, a lot of) storyteller touch; and thanks to Mama Fate, I'm like a whole factory of those: pretty good and not-so-good. So ion even gotta make no shit up: my life is a breathing literature. But I am not in any way ungrateful for the life I've been given, or the people in it: past or present; or the experiences they have given and continue to give me. I have had laughter, and tears, and love, and friendship; and passion. And if I let Pachamama support and hold me on up here long enough, I know I'd still have so much more of those, because life does come two-sided, don't it? And it's this side that makes us appreciate or long for the other side more; '…

P33ish084: Mental Health - How's Your Healing Today, Baby?

I wish people didn't hurt people. I wish we didn't hurt each other. I wish we didn't hurt; period. And in the event that we do, I wish it didn't take so long, or such complicated processes, to recover. I wish we all just bounced back like it never happened. Because healing is weird. The healing process in itself could hurt. Because one day you are fine, back in your colors, certain you are out of it: you're over it, over them, getting better; getting a stronger grip on things. And it makes you feel good! Oh it feels mighty good to not be in pain; to not double over every time you try to get up and leave that spot. So you are happy, because you're getting up today and you're not doubling over as the pain slices through your midsection, or grips your chest. Wowlook! You think, you never thought you could do it, didn't think it'd ever happen: that you would get out of that dark place, stop crying, get past that pain; but here you are, and it now all s…

P33ish083: Perspective - When A Man Throws You In A Fight

I'm bald, so picture me pulling a stool in from in-between my legs and taking off my wig as I sit down to get real, and vulnerable, right here.

A video was making the rounds today on Twitter, of a married woman who ran into her husband's side chic at the mall and of course proceeded to lose her composure. According to the gist, the woman had on repeated occassions warned the lady to leave her husband alone. Everyone's been blaming the wife. I also thought a scene at the mall, featuring "husband snatcher" chants, was a tad bit too uncool, because only snatchables get snatched. But then you know what they say about judging a situation from the outside: it's easy.

Would I dirty fight my man's side in public? No, I wouldn't. I'm too tiny and I mean, what if she decides to fight me back? Lmao!

P33ish081: Here's Your January 2020 Horoscope, And It's All About Taking Control

As we step into the first month of the new decade, get ready for a fully transitional year coming up. According to numerology, 2020 will be the year of foundations—meaning we’re taking past lessons and building on them to finally reap success.

But success doesn’t come without some ups and downs.

After the Capricorn solar eclipse last month, you may have thought the things couldn’t get crazier. But on January 10, the full moon lunar eclipse in Cancer comes forth to shake things up. Venus moves from Aquarius into empathetic Pisces on January 13, which should switch up our social gears from networking and friends to one-on-one time. On January 24, the Aquarius new moon beckons us all to expand our boundaries and social networks.

P33ish080: January 1st, 2020 - Resolutions, Decisions, Or Commitments?

I know we're all woke now and everyone is quick now with the "it's just another day" scoff, but still: there is a shift in the air and not many of us can deny the feeling that comes with the change in the calendar, so...

Happy New Year, buddies!!

I feel different. I feel light. And then I feel heavy. Maybe because I got another milestone in twelve short weeks, and the next half decade too; or maybe because every single thing in the last decade have legit pruned me for this new one, dunno. But the past ten years have been like a long ass collage of experiences, and something about 2019 just sort of brought me full circle. And here we are: quarter to forty and only just officially qualified as "been there, dunnit." Everything.

I'll not lie: I consciously fuckedupingly prayerfully prepared for this year like I wish I had for the last one and I just feel...ready.

Or not.

P33ish079: Merry Christmas! How About Some Airtime Giveaway??

Ho ho ho!!

In the spirit of the season, I've got 5h airtime for ten lucky numbers as a thank-you token for having spared even a megabyte of your data in opening this blog at any time in the course of the year.

All you have to do is drop your phone number and network provider in the comments section.

Winning numbers will be recharged by the end of the day.

Thank you.
Merry Christmas!

P33ish078: Confessions Of A Man Whore III

Read Part One HERE

Part Two is HERE


THREE

While trying to understand Femi and her complex lifestyle, I mingled more with the boys and faced my books squarely but you know what they say about habits; bad ones. I attended a party of a classmate this one day--a day that I decided to not wear boxers--and there were loads of girls, some familiar, some not, but like the Gemini that I am, I blended in just fine.

At the party, I noticed this thick fine lady staring at me in a way that kept me off balance but I looked away and continued with my partying, and then she walked up to me and started grinding against my fly. I would become hard, excuse myself stylishly and she would come pull me back in and it was one embarrassing back-and-forth, seeing as I’m a bit conspicuous down south so it really is hard for me to hide my erections but I guess that's what kept her coming back. Unable to take more, I left the party with no intentions relating to her.

P33ish077: My Experience With An IJGB - Ifeoma (Guest Blogger)

It was a fateful morning and as usual I was going through my Twitter timeline when I received a DM notification; I opened it and saw "Hello beautiful" from a guy. 
I rolled my eyes like oh puleeeaze, I'm sure its one of these Twitter men. As I clicked on his profile and avi and I saw this yummy, very very yummy looking brother and I was like ahaaaa, omo lo fine bayi (wow, it is somebody that is fine like this?), I felt this tingling feeling, I didn't know that was my common sense leaving my body.

P33ish076: Confessions Of A Man Whore - Part II

Two

Her lips tasted like chocolate soaked ponmo (cowhide). Femi wasn't exactly THE kisser but the texture of her lips made up for that shortcoming; they felt like some expensive lace material from Swiss. 

Excited and impatient, my curious hands roamed over her boobs and it was there that I knew heaven wasn’t too far away: it laid just behind those bra cups. I unstrapped the contraption and her button-like nipples were erect, like tiny chocolatey pebbles just begging to be licked. I didn't hesitate. I planted subtle kisses on the areola before introducing my tongue to a nipple and her gyration to the rhythm of my tongue was all the urging my chairman needed to go from hard to stiff, pulsating in salute. 

She didn't even require my help getting rid of her skirt, quickly filling the room with the heady scent of her juice. Travelling down south, I tasted her through her panties, savoring the smell of her cunt before shifting the flimsy piece of clothing to the side for a direct t…

P33ish075: Why You're More Likely To Fall For Someone Just Like Your Ex

If your relationship ends, and you have an eye out for new people to date, don't be surprised if you end up falling for someone just like your ex.

According to recent research, which looked at data from a nine year study in Germany, this tends to be exactly what happens. The study examined the personality traits of an individual's ex and their current partner, and found a significant degree of similarities.

P33ish074: The H In HERD - K.W.C (Guest Blogger)

I know it has been a while since you have seen my scrawny self with my less than creepy pen name. I didn't grow tired of this all of a sudden, I was busy taking stock of things.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been racking up wins, some minute, some inconsequential, others seemingly major and knowing who I have been all my life, I just get the win and keep it moving, no time to celebrate, no time to look back and take in or appreciate all the moments that led to this win, just keep it moving. It is even as bad as not knowing it was a win until a week after, then remembering oh shit, last week was my 5th year anniversary of my call or wow, I really just won that case that it was nothing”. Basically, this year has been a year of wins, academically, career wise, personally but this system (I still want to have a chat with whoever designed it with a sack of pebbles, maybe pelt him/her into the realization that this system he/she designed, is shit) just gives little room for tha…

P33ish073: Confessions Of A Man Whore - Korede Sins

One

The mind of a young boy can be filled with fantasies too lofty for his head and mine was no different, add that to being a 'fine' boy, and here's what you have.

Back at school, girls would drool over and daydream about me -- not that many of them had the guts to walk up to me and make their orders off my menu; I just heard these things from friends and mates alike. Not that it would have mattered, though, because I had been in a serious relationship which hadn't hit the rock until the end of our second year so I had some big issues stemming from the love of my life leaving me because I was, in her words, a "no way." By the start of year three, though, I had just one mission: to prove my ex wrong.

Upon resumption, I made a new friend, Tola; and thanks to our shared love of music, something she was planning to build a career in, we hit it right off. And then there was my guts which she admitted fancying.

P33ish072: Guided Meditation - Flow With Grace And Change

I wish I could share these meditations every day, honestly. They are so powerfully liberating and transforming and every day that I listen to one is just a better one for it. Because I so do want to enjoy my moments more, with the people that I love, in the places that I feel safe. And these meditations have been a huge help. Particularly, and especially with letting go of feelings, emotions, and thought patterns that do not serve me. I get days, too, when they hit different; and this is one of those days. Because I came to a point in my personal awareness last night while talking to a dear friend and I found myself confessing to fears that I was conscious I had, but never before put into words or spoken out loud to a soul. It was jarring, at first, and then I felt an emptiness; a relief in the place where that fear once occupied; because now that fear, that constriction, is out in the open: named, released. It was one of the singularly most exhausting experiences of my life: that ti…

P33ish071: Dating Younger Men II - All The Details You Didn't Think Mattered

Kaffy Dance, Lola Omotayo-Okoye, Deola Art-Alade, Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan, Cameron Diaz, Lisa Bonet, and of course Gabrielle Union...

What do all these women have in common, you ask?

Well they're all older than their husbands, is what; the lowest of them (Aishwarya) by three years; while our Nigerian queens each got between 6-8 years on their husbands. And yes, I deliberately started with popular Nigerian names who are making it work excellently—shout out to the person who figured we could use some positive examples—because apparently there are still people among us who reckon that a woman being older than her man is the first recipe for 'disrespect'. Bruh, I don't even wanna get on that line of thought because you honestly can't argue with certain minds; it will ruin you. 

So...

If you're a join-body type feminist, this also is the part where you click on another link, for I am not a jagaban feminist: I do not have any interest whatsoever in switching oppressor…

P33ish070: 33ish Weddings - Trad Photos From #BukTee19

This was the only wedding I attended this year. I of course couldn't have successfully avoided it even if I turned into a roach and hid under my oven, my ass would have still gotten dragged, LOL. 'Cause this is my girl right here, Bukola Lapel of Africa: designer-in-Chief at Pure Buks Lapels, your one-stop spot for everything accessories, from brooches to ties & pocket-squares to lapel pins and whatever else you need to make your outfits or wedding attires pop (peep their banner sitting pretty on the sidebar); but this is not an advertisement 😀, this is a photo-speak from the melanin goddess slash thriving entrepreneur's traditional marriage ceremony to her beau, the equally dashing Omotayo. More photos when you continue:

P33ish069: Dating Younger Men - All The Details You Didn't Think Mattered

This is going to be one of them go-for-the-gut type of posts, so I'm going to start with a couple disclaimers...ish:

-Shout out to the (un-exactly-willing, not-exactly-signed-up-for-this) muse who stays supplying me inspiration for eons. Tu es le reve, tu es belle. Don't read this through and then forget that. 😘

-I'd like to state it here that this is in no way directed at the whatever-curious fvck boys/ladies who date certain classes of people as a game. This is for the serious, those who do it for the long term: marriage or forever. Please get that.

There, done.

Now let's get to it.

We should also probably be getting a few cobwebs out the way too; basically because the reason some ladies will not date a younger fella is not 'cause of the age per se or because they've never come across a person who did/said all the right things and then turned out younger -- but because it looks like "dating down" to them (I say "turned out" very well kno…

P33ish068: Guided Meditation - Surrender

I have been using this really great guided meditation app, and it's been amazing how much help it has been with getting out of my own head for a few minutes and just getting some...grounding. Today's meditation is titled 'Surrender' and it particularly focuses on dealing with turbulence, the kind triggered by some sort of shift in your life that requires you accepting that you're not in charge and can not control this, or anything for that matter: could be loss, an ending you've been struggling to embrace, or a beginning you're struggling to welcome.

Some of the points from today's meditation particularly resonated with me, so I figured I'd share a few, so...

Namaste!

P33ish067: Reflections - Hello December, Goodbye 2019

Say "Hi" if this hadn't been the 2019 you ordered too...?

'Cause there has to be a manager we could talk to about product quality, dammit!

God, this year has been IT! A really crazy it, because it started out so beautifully. So so beautifully. And then it was as though I took a test and failed. Or maybe it was that I took too many things for granted and wasn't thankful enough, or fussing when I shoulda been nursing or whatever. Because just like that, (almost) everything went to shits. And Lord, how I'm still here and able to stay standing, is a miracle I'll never take for granted. Because this year demanded my very life. Almost got it too.

P33ish066: Four Signs A Single Mom Probably Isn't For You

I was going to make this a "Dear Single Mom, Before You Say I Do" kind of sequel, but it occurred to me that for you to watch out for a sign, it has to be visible. You can only call a cease-and-desist if a certain don't-go-further type of handwriting is readily on the wall. And you can only decide it's a red flag when (if) you see it. But how do you protect yourself from shit—potentially damaging shit that exists only in someone's head, or in any of their inner circles where you don't particularly hold a membership? So this is why I'm flipping this and writing to the men. Because there truly are things, African-ish things, that could put a boundary on how close you can get with certain people; things that you can't necessarily call check-in with them on too, unless you're doing so because you need them to know that "this won't be easy, I need you to know that it'd get uncomfortable, but I'll never let go of your hand. I'll be…

P33ish065: Silent Treatment II - The Art Of Silence, By K.W.C

Guess who decided to guest-blog and provide some male perspective on Page33ish this weekend?? My retired twin (find him here). He does it with a "RE" to the Silent Treatment article too and I liked it, but of course I am biased; you read first and let's see how you like his voice.

By the way, I turned on the 'anonymous' feature in the comment section so at least those of you who don't "like to comment on blogs" could please leave him a kind feedback, pretty please...please? I mean, who knows, a comment or two might just make him pick on a few other articles to spin off on. But enjoy this one first!

P33ish064: When Your Partner Speaks Your Soul's Language

I saw a quote this morning that said "I hope you find someone who speaks your language so you don't spend the rest of your life translating your soul," and it's stayed with me since. More than anything, this is the partnership that my soul craves. Because, ohhh...I just love to be free in love and be just as freely loved: no fears. Of being "too" anything. Or of being deliberately misunderstood. Or of being repeatedly judged and weighed and scaled and constantly found wanting. I like the seemingly constant state of exhale that comes with that libertine love, you see: I love living unchained. And being in an arrangement where you're always having to, dunno, explain the whys and hows of your feelings or emotions or heart...or love? Sounds like chains to me.

P33ish063: About That BU Sex Tape Scandal...

If you're team 'strictly Facebook', then you probably wouldn't be getting this gist until 2020, so here you go.

A video has been making the circles on the internet since Tuesday night, of two Babcock University students having sex in the school clinic. The act or the place isn't the issue, the fact that they made a recording (that got leaked) is. Twitter went crazy, of course, with folks going from making wild jokes and memes, to speculating about who might have leaked the video—with many eyes on the guy. But who leaked the video wasn't the first thing that came to my mind. Yes, I watched the damn thing 😷😷😷.

The thought in my head before I pressed play was, "what do people make sex tapes for? And why would you do it without the girl's consent?" And then I played the video, and saw that they didn't even remove their clothes! Which would imply that this was—in vampire speak—a snatch, eat, and erase; and then I saw the girl look at the camera…

P33ish062: Now, About That Silent Treatment Bit

May I speak freely?

Thank you!

I'm not even going to try be modest now: I love how I love. Sue me. I am expressive, I do not leave you in doubt, or asking questions, or wondering; and it is how I love to be loved too; I'll take your crazy on the side. Talk to me. Tell me how I make/have made you feel, write me a damn essay; recite me a whole frigging spoken prose, do whatever, just let me know where your head's at, let me know how you're feeling: it is how I know how (not) to handle you next time. The toxic side effect of this, as with many people who can't just not say what's on their mind, is that we don't know how to leave shit unaddressed: we just gotta deal with it, verbally, and now. I use 'toxic' very loosely, by the way, because I am hoping that we're all gradually attaining the honest maturity to admit that that word has now managed to be even more bastardized than feminist, and that we all have traits that just make it a little diffic…

P33ish061: Biological Mom, Step Mom, And The Fine Lines...

There was a question on Diary Of A Naija Girl's twitter page during the weekend where a mom shared her upset about her daughter, with whom she'd had nine straight years alone, developing a bond with her stepmom and trusting her with stuff she hitherto would have brought to her mom, including the fact that said daughter had her period for the first time whilst at her dad's, and the stepmom was the one who helped her through it; with the mom having no idea that her daughter had even begun menstruating until she found a pack sanitary napkins while cleaning the daughter's room. Mom of course got sad-mad about the discovery and got on the phone with the stepmom and unleashed, because she felt they should have sent her baby home to her on discovering her first menstrual period was upon her, since it should be she who helped her daughter through such a significant milestone. She asked for opinion on how to get her daughter back, so to speak, because it was starting to look l…

P33ish060: TVD Mushy Moods - Elena & Damon Got Me Calling Check-In

I wasn't even going to make a blog post but I'm on this episode of TVD where Elena is admitting to Stefan about all the changes that have occurred in her since she turned: subtle yet enormous changes separating human Elena from Vampire Elena; changes that have now brought her face to face with truths she never even knew she housed: tendencies and feelings she never knew existed inside of her. That scene was going to fuck me up, because it of course is also where she in-not-so-many-words clues Stefan into her changing desires — desires that now are steering her in Damon directions; because of course there's just always that little something that makes the other person more suitable for/to you, and it could be as little as their either-way-ness with you. I just knew I needed to pause it right there and take a breather, lol. Because as much as I have loved the 'Stelena' love story, I also had begun to think that she deserves the no-pruning-needed kind of love that li…

P33ish059: (You) Like A Virgin?

Written by Aisha Ali-Khan:

Last week a good friend of mine shared a tweet to our private Facebook group. The tweet, ‘How to find out if she’s a virgin’ was posted by a ‘sheikh’ in support of his ‘Game of Marriage’ course, a free online resource helping couples towards a successful marriage. The course promised to answer even more pertinent questions such as ‘Is sex on the first night necessary?’ At first glance, this seemed like a parody account posting deliberately antagonistic material in order to incite a reaction.

P33ish058: Vulnerability Is A Super Power - Jada Pinkett Smith

I've always been considered a weak link in my family because I'm emotional. I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I'm angry, shit, sometimes I even cry when I'm hungry and I give no f*cks about how anyone feels about it because I know what happens when I don't.
Like a shaken-up bottle of my favorite carbonated drink, I explode all over everyone and everything around me, and I know I'm not alone in that feeling. It's my general opinion that people who don't cry are stressed TF out, and on the latest episode of Red Table Talk, Jada Pinkett Smith revealed that she can totally relate to the struggle.

P33ish057: Healthy Boundaries, What They Mean In A Relationship

As a child, I felt I had to provide value by doing what my loved ones wanted in order to feel safe, be seen, or receive love. Not surprisingly, this unhealthy habit spilled into my relationships as an adult. I’d trust new partners and friends easily without it being earned, overshare information, and drop everything—including work—to listen to a friend vent. I needed to set healthy boundaries ASAP.

However, my anxiety levels would shoot up whenever I’d try to declare my needs and desires because I was afraid that I was going to push away my loved ones. So I would stay quiet and be unhappy with the new love interest who didn’t text me consistently. And I would give emotional support to a friend instead of telling her I needed to meet a deadline at work all the while feeling stressed because I couldn’t be present with her. Ugh!

But here’s the thing: The problem wasn’t my loved ones. It was me. I didn’t have strong boundaries.
“Boundaries in a relationship are important because they he…

P33ish056: Dear Diary, I Hate That I Have These Questions

Dear Diary,

Today is November 7th.

Exactly five months.

Twenty full weeks.

And I think it's about time. Truly.

P33ish055: Abortion Will Always Be An Uncomfortable Subject But...

Picture me hanging my hypocrite hat at the door.

I left this comment on one of them twitter "unpopular opinion" threads about abortion and someone came at me with a "so we should go killing them babies cos people are hypocrites?" Lol, gotta love righteous people. Another person of course thinks church folks don't mind you showing up with a baby minus a husband (but she lives in America 😂). And another person thinks abortion is only okay if it is the result of sexual abuse; and this is where I got fucked with. I mean, is there like a different department in hell for...tsk, nvm.

P33ish054: Ava DuVernay's When They See Us Will Trigger TF Out Of You

I'd do a run-through of this mini-series but I couldn't possibly do it justice: I'm still too fresh off of it. I probably shouldn't have watched it though; it kept giving me flashes.

But then again it is Ava DuVernay directed, so that was all I needed to get sold. I knew I'd heard of Korey Wise before, too. And it is just... Sweet Lord! I think he had the worst of it, and all he did was want to stand by a friend. 

You won't understand my "I shouldn't have watched" if you're not the parent--nay, mother--of a boy. This film was traumatic, and not for the sex abuse trigger alone. I damn near lost my mind watching it; can't count how many times I tossed my earpiece. 'Cause I mean, peoplewent through that?? In real life! It is almost 3am out here and I am literally up reading up on the Central Park Jogger Case and all its related articles because, jeez!! Okay, maybe a quick run-through...

Naaah, forget it. I can't.

But I do hope that a…

P33ish053: TVD Ish, With Bites From Mystic Falls

Consider this my blogstallment for this week, loool. I have been punctuating the editing of my actual article with (long stretches of) The Vampire Diaries so I reckon I might as well just be about it for a spell. I just finished season three and I take back everything I ever said--or thought--about Damon. He is...awww!! So sad-mean-adorable-cocky-cute in all his bloodsucking glory. "...Because when people see good, they expect good; and I don't ever wanna have to live up to anyone's expectations." Moved me, that one. Or maybe it's just the hot-and-heavy Delena moment that followed that confession that did that to me? Dunno.

P33ish052: The Enemy Of 'Here'

I recently saw a quote that says "the fact that the other person was wrong doesn't mean you were right either." That quote's been in and out my head ever since and I guess I just wanted to have it out here. The cross-wires of offenses are a bitch, and the dimension of hurt is just unpredictable. I mean, you're here stewing about how this person did you over and they're there hating you for stuff they're sure you did to them and it all goes he-said-she-said from there and it's all just a blistery mess. This probably has no relation to my article whatsoever but for real: how 'bout we all just go about our relationships not waiting for the other person to say sorry first? Yeah, they did you wrong, but how about we be adults and admit that we probably served just as equal an amount of wrong too, hmmn? I think it just saves us a whole lot of festered bruises, and because hurt really can be a two-way street even though we tend to be so blinded by ours.…

P33ish051: Movie Recap - Fractured (2019) Puts The 'Gas' In Gaslighting

Returning from a tense Thanksgiving dinner with his wife and daughter, Joanne and Peri, Ray Monroe stops at a gas station so his little girl could use the restroom. While his girls used the restroom, he goes into the store to get his wife a Coke and his daughter replacement batteries for her music player. He also picks some alcohol for himself. About to pay, he learns that the shop doesn't accept plastic; and the cash he had on him could only pay for two of the items.
But his wife had asked for a Coke, and his daughter needed her batteries. And after all that tension at his in-laws who he's sure had never liked him and all that load from his wife about how he never fights for anything anymore and how deteriorated their relationship had gotten and how broken they now were as a couple, Ray badly needed a drink: a decision that he's visibly having two thoughts about making, we see.
Returning from the restroom, his wife asks about the batteries for their daughter's play…

P33ish050: Progress, Perfection, And The Art Of Intentional Loving

I love love. I love it as an intentional decision. I love it as a repeated unwavering choice. Deliberate love is a gift. It is life itself. But life is getting harder by the day. What with love becoming more conditional and intentions getting less trusted. We actually now live (or maybe it's me who's just now catching up) in a world where people extra scrutinize a genuine in-the-moment kind act and are usually just taking an intentionally good gesture with bated breath for when the mask falls off. But hey, trust issues aside now, nobody really wants to see what's behind that put-together exterior, don't matter what they say. And "living your truth" has now become more of a slogan than an actual lifestyle because your lovers don't really wanna see your truth. They can't handle it. Force 'em to hear it and folks might even stone you for it. People want to be a part of your life without your demons or your suitcase of issues. But of course, they'…

P33ish049: Happy World Food Day...I Guess

Do I have any mom reading, by any chance? Because you won't understand this if you're not a parent, honestly. I mean, I got one of those kids who didn't find it yummy transitioning from can meals/cereals to actual foods so you can imagine that I of course spent a lot of time worrying and going all about town whining about how my baby isn't eating well and I don't know what to do. Well, I didn't believe all those folks when they told me to "wait, he'll eat...and even you will start begging him to stop." Well, I waited and waited and man turned three...then four...then five...even six. Still was picky-eating. Now here we are: totally should have believed all those folks. But then again, there was a part of me that was happy to have a kid who didn't care about swallow or sliced bread or fish or meat or fried eggs or fried eggs with sardines, lmao! Because it sort of saved me some coins and made certain food items last! LOL. I look at this boy go…

P33ish048: The Struggle With Anxiety, Me Against Myself

It is World Mental Health Week, and of all the personal experiences that got shared, this was the one that resonated with me the most. Because it puts exact words to some of those feelings that sometimes leave me crippled. Especially the part about how this clutter in your head/mind just keeps making a slippery mess of your law of attraction; mostly because I am a praying person and so I know how I would often find myself thinking I might need to go back and pray about that again 'cause the clutter literally seems to be waiting on me to get up off my knees and it's non-faith thoughts party up in there again; sometimes I even have to put up a physical fight to keep the walls up and the signals clear--just to get through certain moments. And it takes the help of the Holy Spirit to stay believing for answers to certain prayers because sometimes...I honestly just don't know. Please help me, Jesus.

P33ish047: #WorldMentalHealthDay - Confessions Of A Survivor

I didn't realize how emotionally dependent I had been on other people: first my son, then my partner; until the son had to go on vacation too soon after the partner left. And on an exceptionally bad day, I took a lot extra anti-allergy pills (that I had already been abusing for its side effects) just 'cause I wanted to 'sleep'. I just didn't know how to be me outside of my mom/partner duties; it got too quiet in the house, thus giving the voices in my head more audio, and then there was the part of me that was still bleeding so much from being left that, to stem it, I did the one thing all the counselling materials warn against: trigger my own self for temporary relief.

P33ish046: What Do We Say To The god Of Writer's Block?

I have been super lay-zey this past week I ain't even trippin' right now. I got paragraphs and paragraphs of articles logged in different corners of my head but ask me when I can get them out? Psst! It also was our 7th birthday last weekend, and I so had this emosh single-mommy ish lined up in my head as we hit this milestone but then I figured, hey let's just grab our jackets and go out for junk food instead--and take NO pictures! Actually, he figured, but hey, result was the same anyway: super emosh blog post drowned in ice-cream bowl. Zagadat! 

P33ish045: It Was Love, Now It's War

You've probably heard it said that the amount of your pain is wrapped in the size of your love. Meaning that a person can only cause you pain up to the extent of how much pleasure they've brought you. Meaning that the disappointment only hits as much as the weight of the expectation. Meaning that your hate can only run as deep as your love: a person who never made you happy could just never make you sad; and only a person who knows where you're the weakest would know where to deal the most fatal blow. And that is one of the biggest fears of unions, for me: it becoming war, and me not knowing when it's been declared.

P33ish044: About PDAs And That In Your Face Kind Of Living

I do not have a wedding fantasy. Dunno, I guess I never was just that girl. The idea of ceremonies of any kind trigger my anxiety, weddings more than any. And it is a weird thing, because I have a forever fantasy: me, the man, the kids, the humongous kitchen, the terrace workspace, the co-owned neighborhood business, the works. But then I blank out at the party part. I think it's because deep down, the Derek Shepherd/Meredith Grey post-it arrangement is more the dream for me than the Arizona/Calliope frills and flowers arrangement. And now I know that I will have it: my dream, 'cause, tsk tsk, I've had to pass on too much for that tunnel vision to end up not having it after all. Because honestly, it's all about that first person in the morning, last person at night ish for me: my usefulness to every other person every other moment in-between is largely dependent on it. But that's not the point of this post.

Not really.

P33ish043: Don't You Just Love That Planned Life

This will be short: I'm just trynna get some group therapy out here. 
Does anyone else feel guilty-ish when they see people post stuff on social media: like how they get some work-out in every morning before anything; or how they apply fermented rice water to their edges every night before bed; or how they apply some concoction on their face for fifteen minutes before shower every morning and/or night; or how they pray/read their bible at a certain time every day; or how their toddlers have an actual study/siesta/bedtime...? Because I do! I feel guilty, 'cause... Pfft! Your life doesn't get more together than that! I mean, have a time for everything and actually make it five times out of seven?? Yes, I'll take a bowl of that, please!! But...sigh.

P33ish042: Movie Review - Kemi Adetiba's King Of Boys

The first thing I thought of as Alhaja Salami walked into that room where her goons were holding the bleeding man was Ghost walking into the basement at TRUTH in the pilot episode of Power season one. It just so happened that both characters had left their parties to do the same thing: be evil. I loved the precision in the similarity. It was just so...there; from the 'who you working for', to the language switch, and the blood on the shirt/ipele ish, right down to the bleeding guy's refusal to snitch on who he'd been working for. You better holler at your girl if you caught that math too, TV people.


Despite being a godfatherism/dog-eat-dog story—not unlike many before it—that chronicles the rise-fall-and-whatever-else-followed of the protagonist, Eniola Salami (Sola Sobowale), I think that what takes King Of Boys off the 'typical' list is its realism: that good or evil isn't absolute; that if the line must be drawn, then sometimes 'evil' wins; that …

P33ish041: A Lil Som'n For The "I Don't Watch Nigerian Movies" Kids

I am currently tightening my first movie review for this blog but I wanted to get two announcements out first; this was actually chopped off the upper part of the actual article--because it was messing with the whole crisp of the thing. So, here:

One, if you're expecting a Forrest Gump type review where I write ish like, the cinematography very convincinly reflected all the eras portrayed in the film in a way that gave viewers a time-travel experience into the nineties... Please don't bother opening any movie review link from here and just go kick it with the folks at The Guardian or UK Telegraph or something. I don't do official, so my movie reviews—not critique, when I do write or publish them, will literally be taking the classic Mushin-Olosha secondary school did-you-watch-secret-of-the-sand-yesterday style. Forget it, if you don't know, you won't know. 😅

P33ish040: Product Review - Raw Honey From Temi Oloyin

The first thing I said to aunty Temi when she first advertised to me was, "everyone calls their honey 'raw honey' ooo, mama." You probably feel the same way too. But I was wrong. The partners at Temi Oloyin really do sell raw, unadulterated, unfiltered and unpasteurized honey; meaning the honey has not been sieved or mixed with any chemicals yet: you can still see the bee pollens in it.

P33ish039: Breaking Out Of Other People's Patterns

I was reading something yesterday and a line jumped out at me. It said: behind that man who gives you everything is a broken woman somewhere from whom he took everything.

I'm not going to tell you what effect that line had on me but I'm going to say a prayer for everyone who has ever drawn from deep within themselves just to make it good for someone else and then it ended up being a waste: that may the just God that we serve make it up to you, and may it happen for you soon enough that you don't get to waste even more time despairing over what was taken from you. I pray that you heal, I pray that your 'better' comes. I pray divine recompense for you; what you lost will come back, and it will be so good to you and for you that there will not be an even tiny part of you that thinks to look back at whatever or whoever spoiled you; because it would all have been repaid to you: full, complete, balanced...true. In Jesus mighty name. Amen.

Y'all know I'm still …