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P33ish039: Breaking Out Of Other People's Patterns


I was reading something yesterday and a line jumped out at me. It said: behind that man who gives you everything is a broken woman somewhere from whom he took everything.

I'm not going to tell you what effect that line had on me but I'm going to say a prayer for everyone who has ever drawn from deep within themselves just to make it good for someone else and then it ended up being a waste: that may the just God that we serve make it up to you, and may it happen for you soon enough that you don't get to waste even more time despairing over what was taken from you. I pray that you heal, I pray that your 'better' comes. I pray divine recompense for you; what you lost will come back, and it will be so good to you and for you that there will not be an even tiny part of you that thinks to look back at whatever or whoever spoiled you; because it would all have been repaid to you: full, complete, balanced...true. In Jesus mighty name. Amen.

Y'all know I'm still gonna have a full blown ministry on this blog, right? So you better get used to the preacher in here, lol. I'm just still on my Jonah stint on my way to Tarshish getting swallowed by a fish and all, lmao! You'll be the first to know when I get spit out...

But back to the article.

By show of hands now, have you ever felt used by somebody? While it was happening, did it occur to you that they might be using you, or did you straight up know it? Did you let it happen again anyway? Did a part of you ever think that maybe, just maybe, by letting them take what they need (from you), you could heal something inside of them, mend them in some way, teach them some...thing? Did it ever happen, though?

Also, have you ever stuck with someone you had many good chances to walk out on but didn't? I'm guessing you did it out of love or loyalty, yes? Now, have you ever been in a situation where you gave repeated chances to and maybe hoped for better—even as you became your worst—with someone who ended up bailing on you the first chance they got? Did you ever do something out of character, you know, break some of your own rules for someone just so "they won't leave" and then they left anyway? And now...do you get mad when you think about it?

Hell, were you getting fresh mad about it as you read the question(s)? Like, I can't believe I did/bore/went through all that for him/her and I'm still the one who got left, how could I be so stupid, why didn't I leave when I had the chance? kmshhejbhjewfgenbhs!!!

Deep breaths now...

The internet today is full of angry people smarting from disappointments of varying sizes. It is not just crazy, it is also scary when you think of how easily you can get on that bus too because, let's face it: what constitutes our biggest disappointments, really? I dare say it's all wrapped up in doing unto others as we hope they would do unto us but getting the exact opposite instead. And I know from experience that nothing hurts worse than a one-sided anything; especially when you are a person who's better at rehearsing how you're going to say no than you are at actually saying it, you just get to have a lot of did-you-even-stop-to-think-of-me moments in your life.

Don't you still sometimes wish life would just mess around and get that simple, though? I mean, imagine the kind of relationships we would be building if we all just cultivated a would-he-do-this-to-me thinking attitude. Kind of like how we talk to children when they get mean to their friends, "does she treat you like that/say that to you? So why do you think she deserves what you just did/said?" But life won't ever be that simple, would it? The people who would do us the dirtiest will always be the ones we wouldn't even look in the face and hurt, because the ones you gave the most would always be the ones from whom you get the least, and I honestly don't know who configured life like that.

But that doesn't stop us from being stupid anyway, does it?

And because humans are ever hopeful beings {bear in mind here that even the user gets used somewhere else, and your taker has a taker too—because this fuckedupness just must get round} we tend to keep allowing patterns and repeating cycles in the hope that something would break someday.

But then we get stuck. Because we aren't the magic we thought. And there really are people who truly are incapable of reciprocating the thoughtfulness we extend towards them; and no, it's not for any grand reasons: they just don't have it for us. Some of us allow and nurture such people, all the while letting ourselves believe they need us, or maybe they're in our life for a purpose, maybe we are the balm to their broken soul, maybe someday they'd heal and get fixed and be able to put back all they've taken :). Oh, child...

And yes, maybe they indeed needed you—you know, for an anchor until they cut you loose; maybe God even put them in your life, for a lesson; and sure, you could even be a balm to their soul, cause that happens, people get to be that for people.

But this is where your bitter anger gets birthed: they will mend, they will get fixed, they will heal, and they will put it all back—but not into you. And it is that thought that will boil your brain because I swear there is no explanation for it other than lock your fucking doors if the same person keeps coming to dinner at your house without ever bringing even a bottle of wine! Because you will run out and they will be gone.

I had to use a food analogy cos yeah I like food but you get the point.

Kindness is still the virtue, don't get me wrong. Being good is good. And yeah, being merciful to the undeserving is a righteous thing. But you also have to understand that Jesus isn't called the wisdom of God 'cause He out here raising fools.

You have to know when your kindness has been/is being abused. And you have to know when to tell people,
"I can't be this person for you anymore, I'm sorry but it is draining me. I feel like you're using me...and you probably don't even realize it cause I know you couldn't possibly want me feeling this way, but it is how I feel anyway and I'm not equipped for you to keep drawing from me like this, the two of us ending up broken will do neither of us good. Please know that I understand your chains, and I hope that you break out, but I gotta go."
You of course don't need that many words, but you get the point: you can love people and still acknowledge that they're a loss. You can be understanding but unwilling to used. And there is a kind way to say "be gone." You gotta find it.

It is said that a person isn't who they were on your last conversation, they are who they've been your whole relationship: what you've always got is what you'll always get. And the saying that what you allow will continue is also true. You just have to recognize when you're becoming a victim of someone else's patterned behavior. One minute you're only being a little more giving, a little extra accommodating, a little kinder, more understanding, more trusting; like, you just keep making these mental/emotional deposits and getting little to no withdrawals and playing yourself into thinking you maybe only need to do more, give more, bend more...to get some.

And then nothing.

Picking your battles sometimes is the simple knowing that you can't always try to fix it if you didn't break it. A broken person would most likely leave you broken, you see? So you have to be decisive about your emotional investments and not get caught maybe-someday-ing yourself into a full blown mental situation.

Because like the popular Yoruba adage goes: eni to ba fi were s'eeyan naa lo maa koko fi bu—loosely meaning break your back for a person and they will be the first to leave you behind 'cause you cannot walk now. And that is the way life is set up, Ain't it? People will leave you for what they made you, and then they will mock you for it.

I wish you wisdom: to recognize the pattern and know to lock your doors :).

I wish you strength too: because talk is easy, action is where the work is.

And some cycles can be cozy...

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