I do not have a wedding fantasy. Dunno, I guess I never was just that girl. The idea of ceremonies of any kind trigger my anxiety, weddings more than any. And it is a weird thing, because I have a forever fantasy: me, the man, the kids, the humongous kitchen, the terrace workspace, the co-owned neighborhood business, the works. But then I blank out at the party part. I think it's because deep down, the Derek Shepherd/Meredith Grey post-it arrangement is more the dream for me than the Arizona/Calliope frills and flowers arrangement. And now I know that I will have it: my dream, 'cause, tsk tsk, I've had to pass on too much for that tunnel vision to end up not having it after all. Because honestly, it's all about that first person in the morning, last person at night ish for me: my usefulness to every other person every other moment in-between is largely dependent on it. But that's not the point of this post.
I think too many of us live too much of our lives for the image. Everything now has to be picture-ready, or picture-perfect sil vous plait: all surface ish; and not for personal documentation purposes either, but for the many 'thems' in our world—not particularly our life. Get that. I think it's too many of us now who live for the appearance rather than the being. And it just makes me want my life, all the parts of and things about it that matter, for me even more. Some things just have to be: personal, private, unsullied by outside eyes, protected from public opinion, un-needing of external approval or validation. Check it, a lot of the things we literally break our necks and even risk depression for, don't even hold direct personal importance to us, it's all just something we have to prove that we are, or can, or have; all just some way we think we have to be just so it can be said of us that... And we wonder why it seems like every three, if not four, out of five persons we see suffer from one form of social anxiety or the other — when we're daily giving so much (mental/emotional) energy to things that are of no nourishment to our soul, all to look the part; a part that we, deep down, want nothing of. But we spend so much of our life ticking their boxes anyway, trying to keep up, appearing as...all for them. And it so turns out that them, when the chips are down and it really comes down to it, are faceless and pretty much just background noise, not the actual sound.
You've probably heard it said that (many of) the happiest couples aren't even out on social media posting loved up pictures and stuff. It is true, and it's not just a relationship thing either. Personally, my most treasured life moments aren't even documented: like, my happiest memories are of moments that I don't even have a picture of, and won't write an essay about, 'cause they're not meant to be shared; and the best meals I ever made or ate never even made it to twitter. I of course have never posted any "Bae" moment on any social media in my life, because I'm too busy being with him; same thing with my "mommy" moments, because I would miss them if I began to look for my phone just so I can make a video—because some things are that precious, that all you have to do is blink, and you've missed it. Matter of fact, the happier I am with my indoor/private life, the lesser anyone hears from me about it. And now that I think of it, for an oversharer I am pretty lousy at show-and-tell.
Now, I am not saying that showing and telling & other public displays of achievement is like a bad bad thing or that it jinxes anything o, lol. I'm just saying check your "Whys," and if you're doing it for the reaction/response, or to prove a point (ugh!), you're already wrong.
I think that holds true for many people, too. I mean, if it really is going as great as you would have the internet believe, wouldn't you probably be too busy being in it to make a post about it every other second, though? Like, think of all the moments that make your heart warm long after they've happened, do you have them (all) on video? I'd bet a Coke the answer is no. And that's real joy right there, don't matter who knows you got it; you don't need to prove it to anyone. It's even more precious, matter of fact, when the only existing copy of it is in your heart, because then it's all yours and not open to getting picked apart by outside opinions until it begins to look quite not like it anymore. I just think we lose too much precious time trying to convince people about what or how we are than we spend actually being it. I don't know what thrill there is in it, but I think that that in-your-face living (because sometimes our "them" have a face) robs us of too many joys and sort of ridicules our victories, because now it is only as good as the audience's reaction.
Maybe it's just the 80s kid in me talking, but it looks to me like some of us have to edit our values to the point where it shifts from them to us, because when it matters most, "they" won't matter — 'cause they are the in-betweens. I think we need to live more in our own soul-food moments and be present in our own lives with our own persons and invest in our own stash of heart-stored mementos; and get to that point where it's more about being than appearing to be.
And I think that whatever it is—change, growth, healing, love—that we need start to do it for us, and stop making all the most important stories of our life about people who won't be there past the prologue.