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P33ish052: The Enemy Of 'Here'


I recently saw a quote that says "the fact that the other person was wrong doesn't mean you were right either." That quote's been in and out my head ever since and I guess I just wanted to have it out here. The cross-wires of offenses are a bitch, and the dimension of hurt is just unpredictable. I mean, you're here stewing about how this person did you over and they're there hating you for stuff they're sure you did to them and it all goes he-said-she-said from there and it's all just a blistery mess. This probably has no relation to my article whatsoever but for real: how 'bout we all just go about our relationships not waiting for the other person to say sorry first? Yeah, they did you wrong, but how about we be adults and admit that we probably served just as equal an amount of wrong too, hmmn? I think it just saves us a whole lot of festered bruises, and because hurt really can be a two-way street even though we tend to be so blinded by ours. Angry-hurt is comfortable, yeah; but maybe it's time to switch lenses and consider that the mess might maybe just be half dose their shit and half does our shit. Dunno, just a thought. For global mental/emotional health. But pay me no mind though; I'm just the wuss who taps out first in a fight. So...skip.

I was talking to a friend one time about his "dramatic" girlfriend and it got to a point where I called his attention to the fact that there'd been no point in our talk where he did anything wrong. And, call me the crazy bitches advocate, I still maintain that "crazy" doesn't just fly off its handle, something has to have set it off; it of course might come off sounding ridiculous to you, but like a brilliant person once said: you can't decide what sets someone else off just cause what looks "all that" to them is no biggie to you. I think so too. So while I was on my pal's neck about if he was sure that there really was nothing that he does to keep this cycle going in his relationship, to which he frustratedly goes, "she's just troublesome!" I of course ended that conversation by asking him to please list me seven things that he loves about this girl or that she does right, because sometimes you just have to help people remember what the appeal was in the first place. Plus, like the proverbial abore in the popular Yoruba saying, I am decisive in never being the one to tell you what's wrong with your relationship, 'cause I'm not in it with you. Especially if your side of the story is all I got. And I know all too well the danger of a single story. But even then.

And this is the thought that made me set my garri and suya aside. Like in the case of my friend who has all these people in his life who were certain that he needed to show his girl the door, even though when all's said and done and everyone's gone on their merry way, he's left with himself and thoughts and that other part of him that only this girl takes care of anyway; and that was the part I had to make him fess up to when I asked him what qualities make his lady "it" or no one. I'll never forget the tone with which he listed the last of the qualities, like, "and she's really..." I knew then that this was a mister with too many chargĂ© d'affaires in his personal matters. And, I mean, even the voices in our own head make things sound way worse than they really are sometimes, so go figure. I remember telling him, "you're the one in this relationship, and I think that if you would take a pause on gathering sympathizers/witnesses against your girl and just be in it by your own self, you would get the answers you're looking for. And then whether you stay put or say bye is your decision."

That conversation is over a year old now. Man's still staying put. I'd wager he'd be staying put for a long time too. Because no one has it without rot, you just gotta steward your own ship well. And sometimes too, you probably don't even have it as bad as public opinion says; you just don't know it, 'cause everyone's out making their ish look like la dream--and you're there taking popular opinion as law. And then of course there's the fact that the only way you get a perfect relationship is if you keep it strictly intra-personal; but even then, your own mind plays one on you every now and then, so...

See, the enemy of 'this' is 'better'; and the enemy of 'here' is always going to be 'there' or some other place else. Meaning that what you have today is always going to get old, and if 'shiny' is your thing and you're poor on maintenance, then there'll always be something (new) calling your attention, and then it'd be you and that gypsy life: always searching for something; never in one place long enough to build something solid or put down roots. Then of course there's that other stuff they say about always finding what you set out looking for: if it's an excuse to bail, you will have no shortage of it; all you gotta do is outsource whatever it is you're trying to bail on to external opinion. And if your poison is people to help you pick your shit apart and draw your attention to a scent that you never even caught before, then it's seekers = finders.

I do not have a lot of experience--or possessions--but I am big on polishing what I got and what I have over time learnt about outsourcing your shit is best summed up in two Yoruba adages: "a ko ni ko baje, ko ni se ti e be e" and "ti a ba ta ara ile eni l'opo, a o le ri ra l'owon" -- meaning that "the person who advices you to toss your 'bad' stuff will not do theirs the same way," and "if you would sell your own kin cheap, an outsider will not sell them expensive either." Simply put, people who never do? They teach. The first person who comes off loud about how they'd never be caught dead tolerating {insert vice} is coping with way worse--without a word. But the beauty of it is you don't know it, because they're not out talking to you about their nasties, so you don't get to cherry-pick their shit and give it an all new arrangement that they were probably better off not catching. And you know what they say about seeing no evil, lol. But life is teaching me that unless you're being abused in any way, sometimes it's just best to see no evil; so you hear no evil--literally.

And yeah, this is just a reminder slash note to self that privacy is golden: if it's not outsourced, it can't get picked apart.

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