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P33ish020: To The Boy I Loved Before


I am a hypocrite.

I was my own worst nightmare: the partner who tried to collect what their past owed them from their present; and I didn't even realize it. I put stuff on you that you had no business bearing and I got mad you weren't carrying it well, or standing straight under the weight and I am just...sorry. You didn't deserve that.

...it was mostly reflexive to you.

More haunting words were never spoken. And I wish I had a more grandiose way to do this; but SORRY is all I got.

I hurt you. All that time I spent feeling like I was not enough for you. And in doing so making you feel like you weren't enough--like you weren't doing enough. I can't believe I was that person. I spent all my time alone determined to not be that person. And look at me. I'm looking at your last emails and I'm just wondering...

I wish you had said something. I wish you hadn't kept quiet when you did. I wish you hadn't sucked it all up or kept it all bottled in in the name of love. I wish you had called me up on my shit. I wish you had just, dunno, probably kicked my doors down, held the mirror up and make me look. I would have looked, P. I would have. I would have looked and I would have wanted to fix up and I would have asked your help with it if I couldn't do it myself. You know I would; we were that team. Because I know the partner I want to be; and the woman who made you sit through all that headache isn't her.

I'm sorry I dissapointed you. I'm sorry I drove you to wall-punching madness. I'm sorry for all the times I was a noose around your neck and still bitched about you croaking.

I am so sorry.

I can't believe I'd spent all this time ruminating on the relationship I was certain you gave me, when I should have put the relationship that I gave you side-by-side on the same table too. I'm sorry for all the convenient mathematics I did with our life together. I'm sorry for all the times I didn't put myself in your shoes (during and after). I am sorry for all of my blind spots. And for all of my tendencies and excesses. I am deeply sorry for all the times I let the crooked blind out the straight. I am sorry I wasn't "better than people".

God, I really wish you had said something. About the things I thought weren't all that but were huge deals to you: things I thought were funny, things I thought a simple "sorry" fixed. I'm sorry for all the lines I crossed. I do wish you had at least called my attention to the red flags sooner. I wish you hadn't let us laugh it away when it was in fact festering up inside of you. I would have listened. Your opinion holds that much weight. I would have looked at myself through your lenses: you did that for me many times; I would have reciprocated it too. Because you had never led me wrong. Ever. I would have trusted you enough to prune up--cause I wouldn't have been doing it for just you; I'd have been doing it for me too. I wish you had at some point called "check-in" on stuff with me; I did that with you often, remember? Even though you rolled your eyes at it half the time :), but I wish you'd done me the same.

I am sorry for my negative patterns. I am sorry for all the times I dealt with you through my foggy trigger lenses. I am sorry for all the times I took my fears out on you. I am really sorry for the pandora's box I left you with. I had no idea. I honestly didn't know. I didn't...

And I am sorry. For all the things I didn't see from your point of view.

And thank you: for all the straights. Yes, I remember all of it. The crooked just made for more touching artistry, so to speak. :)

Thank you for your own special way in which you said sorry: shorter work day, junk food, laundry, data off; in that order.

Thank you for your appreciation of my art: you're gone but still stay true to that promise.

Thank you for the "you" after the "I love you." All the time.

Thank you for your once-in-a-blue-moon dead-on stare: it's how you let me know you ain't bullshitting.

Thank you for how you literally announce that "this is a fight." It's stupid but it used to crack me up as hell, 'cause who does that...and mean it?

Thank you for how you let me know you're not mad about my latest stunt: jumping in the shower. It is such a stupid move but it clears my fears anyway. :)

Thank you for how you showed me you believed in my entrepreneurship: you actually put your money in it.

Thank you for how you responded to my worries: you put your phone down.

Thank you for how you would watch a movie with me just to shut me up about "bonding" -- and of course still go rewatch it by yourself anyway.

Thank you for how you showed me you still gave a shit: you write me a damn essay.

Thank you for how you say "you're beautiful": you just stare and stare. :)

Thank you for how responsible you actually are: you come through on needs, and you actually pay what you borrow.

Thank you for the memories: the best ones I never will put in print.

Thank you for how often you obviously shoved stuff down just 'cause you wanted us to work.

Thank you for all the important relationships you risked to make us work.

Thank you for all the bad weather and shitty roads you daily braved in your white shirt.

Thank you for the in-my-sleep hugs and kisses on the forehead.

Thank you for taking care of Dee on the weekends just so I could get a few extra hours of sleep.

I particularly thank you for the laughter.

Nobody quite did gossip like you too. :)

And since I won't be there for it now; this is your happy married life and congrats on your new baby and congrats on your third car and congrats on the launching of your own firm and congrats on your house-warming and happy 40th birthday and congrats on your SAN-ship and congrats on your JSC appointment and all the other great things I'm sure you're destined to make happen.

You really were everything: friendship, conversation, family, partnership, support system. And I am sorry for how I ever made it look like you weren't. You were: all of it. And more. Thank you for giving me that. And for showing me the partner I should be; the kind I want to be.

Adios now...

I hope life treats you kind.

And I hope you have all you dreamed of.

And I'm just gonna end this here before I damn right type out that whole Whitney Houston verse, lol.

💝💝💝

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