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P33ish066: Four Signs A Single Mom Probably Isn't For You

I was going to make this a "Dear Single Mom, Before You Say I Do" kind of sequel, but it occurred to me that for you to watch out for a sign, it has to be visible. You can only call a cease-and-desist if a certain don't-go-further type of handwriting is readily on the wall. And you can only decide it's a red flag when (if) you see it. But how do you protect yourself from shitpotentially damaging shit that exists only in someone's head, or in any of their inner circles where you don't particularly hold a membership? So this is why I'm flipping this and writing to the men. Because there truly are things, African-ish things, that could put a boundary on how close you can get with certain people; things that you can't necessarily call check-in with them on too, unless you're doing so because you need them to know that "this won't be easy, I need you to know that it'd get uncomfortable, but I'll never let go of your hand. I'll be here."

Otherwise, you just can't talk about it 'cause, well, it just sucks for you both. And I'm talking to guys with sense here, please; not the foolishness-spewing, below-regular twitter bums who vomit things like, "dating a single mother is risky because the baby daddy can still get that ass anytime," or even the lower ones than those who say astonishingly brainless things like, "she can never love you more than her son." Those are the ones I just block via the dropdown menu right there on the timeline, 'cause they're not even worth a profile click.

So, in the spirit of being open to the fact that not everyone can be for everyone, no matter how fast and fiery your connection, here are things I think you should listen to yourself on if you're one of those "I can date a single mom, it's not a thing to me" type, especially when it in fact could be a thing, and you're just trying to be politically correct—or you're not even sure or have not even considered how much of a 'thing' it actually is. Yes, it is a thing. And that right there is an insider secret. But I digress.

Moving on now, before you get caught in that web of "it was real, but it just wasn't..." Or "I wanted it, I loved her, but my hands were just tied: there really isn't anything I can do." Here's a thought: don't even get your hands in the rope to begin with if you got any of these lights flashing in your head/mind. Just don't. Save yourself coming off as a dick, and your single-mama inamorata the repeat heartbreak of not being good enough to be taken all the way.  

1. Your Parents Will Not Consent, And Their Influence On Who You Marry Is Up To 50%: First off here, I think this is not even just a single mom thing, I think it is a dick move to get with anybody or have them all booed up with you when you know your parents wouldn't approve, all just on the off chance that you may be able to swing it too, when in actual shit-hit-the-fan terms, you are powerless against their decision. And no, this is not a bad thing: towing only lines that keep you in the 'nice' with your folks; that is your family thing, it is your idea of family values loyalty, so it don't matter who don't like it. It is good that your parents have to approve of your choice of a partner. But what's not good is bringing someone into your life who you know your family has the power to run off, with you there looking all "shit, I didn't know it'd get that bad," because let's face it, they are your family: you knew, stop lying. So the best thing is to not find out how you'd do should that happen, 'cause chances are you'd be overwhelmed and just face your sanity. Which is probably all you can do anyway, I'll be honest. But don't go experimenting on people's feelings just to see what you can or can't handle; people's emotions are not a test tool for your endurance threshold. Don't have anyone's hopes all invested in something you won't have the muscles to grab and hold up should anything come kicking at it, i.e. family approval. Don't put anyone through that. If you're not sure, back off. 


2. You Truly Aren't Sure If You Can Raise Another Man's Child: It is not a bad thing to not put yourself into arrangements where you can't give your all or effortlessly come correct; get that. It does take a rare kind of king to genuinely love and care for a child that was in his woman's life before he came along. Without worrying about placement. And it don't matter what the baby-daddy picture in the life of the single mom is: I mean even if her kids' father is involved in the child's care/welfare from toothbrush to college fund, like mine; being with a single mom requires you to raise another man's child, period. Unless she's not the primary custodian--but even then. If you're dating my mom, you owe me certain responsibilities: like not being a crappy waste-of-space type human, and being responsible enough to care that I will (have to) learn some things from you, and teach meby example. I know that there are guys, usually dimwits who don't even have enough for any woman let alone the one that comes with responsibilities, who assume that raising another man's child is about money (I'll get there soon), but it's way more than that, it's a way deeper commitment than that. So if you really don't know anything about parenting not being about DNA, and you're unable to just want to be there for a child that didn't come from your loins (yes, I said loins, shut up), then you need to not even consider dating a single mom. No, don't even try to "see if," because it's even worse to use a child as a "let's see if I can" tool: you either come in able to, or you stay right where you are, inability is not a crime. If you care about her, you have to show it even more through her child. No, this does not mean she needs a father for her child either; it simply means you have to not make it suck for me that my mom got a new man: because you the dufus who makes it so obvious you're not here for me and as such can't even manage the tiniest bit of interest, forget PTA meetings or special days; never mind life lessons. 

3. You're Only Thinking About The Financials And Are Shitty At Providing: Providing, while dating, for the child doesn't apply in all single mom cases, but I know that there are single moms who have to do it all for their kids. And you just have to be a rat to think you're going to get any mom's complete devotion when she can't even look your way when her kid needs new crayons. Fuck it, I think you need to be a double rat to wait for your womanindependent, mom or nahto ask before you come through on certain stuff. And I know I speak for a good number of independent women when I say that we love it when you come through on needs even though you know that we are capable of handling it; we just love it when you take that little bill off our plate anyway, don't mind all these fake coupled-up feminists, babe, they only mouth off on twitter: they like it too 😁. Okay, I'll continue. 

With a single mom who you know is struggling, you can't just be a figurehead. And if the thought in your head when it comes to being with someone who's already with child is "she's only looking for a provider for her child," then please: the door. Even with one who is not struggling, what kind of person do you have to be to not care about how she's getting along catering for the child? Or worse, even cleaning up off of the little she has to go on with her child? But hey, I do not have those kinds of readers, LOL. So yeah, if all that gets into your line of vision is the Naira/Dollar sign at the thought of being with a single mom, then by all means please, you won't be missed, trust me. You're not what she needs. 

4. You're Worried She Can't Love You More Than Her Child: I never once thought this was a thing until I read it on twitter. And my reflex response was, "if your mind goes to these kinds of places, should you even be talking about being with a single mom?" The other related thing I'd seen about this was the woman not being able to love the children she has with you as much as she loves the one you met her with. And it just made me weak the kind of thoughts that make it to people's minds. But I know, eh? And I understand. And because I believe in made-in-heaven matches and soulmates and right-fit romances and all that mushy shit, I do believe that when you're with your person, some questions won't just even flit across your mind, and if anyone would try plant these kinds of thoughts in your head, you would, with your person, be able to close your eyes and take a one minute stock of your life together and be able to say "this picture you're painting is not what we have." Yes, I believe in that, that is what I will get, or it'd be nothing. And if you're unable to not worry about positions—heck, about her child being loved more than you or the siblings that would come through you both (brrrhhh! how's this even a thought, twitter??) when you should be focused on standing side-by-side with her in her love for the child she's trusting you withwith a space in its life? Then you really ought to get to steppin' and find your fit. Because the beautiful thing about fitting right? You don't entertain silly thoughts or questions. You just are unable to. And that's how you know: when the questions sound ridiculous even before the sentence is complete.

Comments

  1. This is wonderful. Real nice. Sending you my warmest wishes all the way from Cyprus

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is really eye opening. A good read for everyone and not just men because I think women go through the same thing when it comes to dating single fathers.

    ReplyDelete

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