I wasn't even going to make a blog post but I'm on this episode of TVD where Elena is admitting to Stefan about all the changes that have occurred in her since she turned: subtle yet enormous changes separating human Elena from Vampire Elena; changes that have now brought her face to face with truths she never even knew she housed: tendencies and feelings she never knew existed inside of her. That scene was going to fuck me up, because it of course is also where she in-not-so-many-words clues Stefan into her changing desires — desires that now are steering her in Damon directions; because of course there's just always that little something that makes the other person more suitable for/to you, and it could be as little as their either-way-ness with you. I just knew I needed to pause it right there and take a breather, lol. Because as much as I have loved the 'Stelena' love story, I also had begun to think that she deserves the no-pruning-needed kind of love that life with Damon promises.
And hey, we know she's always going to carry Stephan in a whole corner suite of her heart anyway (and will maybe come back to him), so: time to go.
Still messed me up anyway, though, how it tore her up to admit that this person that she is now, responds to Damon the way she can't to Stefan. Because there's always going to be who she wants to be for Stefan; but she has no such conflicts with Damon. And to me, there's no love more profound than that "I'm fine with you either way" kind where all you have to be is, well...here. And sometimes you owe it to yourself to let you experience it: a life where you're not constantly having to go to war with yourself just to keep fitting their need, 'cause you won't always know how. And what then?
Ugh! Now I done gone made this about Vampire Diaries, LOL. I promised my boy this would only take a minute.
But really, it all just got me thinking, like, do you ever get a moment when you come face to face with your own (magnified) self? Like this is really who/what/how I am and this is how I think and this is what I can do and this is who I can be? And does it ever make you stop, take a look? Maybe even make you release a breath you never even realized you been holding?
I was making a journal entry earlier and in the process of my heartsearch, I found myself making certain admissions to myself about stuff--not unlike many I have made before, but this time I took a pause to let some of the ish sink. It can be hard, being frank with you: about your head zone, your tendencies, your convictions, your desires, your feelings...your limits.
I think we all get to that point in being. Where who we didn't think we were--who we didn't think we could be--comes to the surface, gently grabs us by the chin, and slowly turns us this way, like, "look at me, don't be shy..." And it isn't always an ugly thing, too, because sometimes we find that this person we can't now exactly un-be is someone we probably should have freely let come out long before now, and maybe given some training if needed, as I found out from my meeting with myself over my journal. I literally had a "you really do mean this, it really isn't going anywhere?" moment, and of course the response was "yeah, might as well make a whole room for it." So at least then I know it's there, and I'm not having cognition issues when it makes an appearance seemingly out of nowhere, wondering where that came from, or asking how it's even there...still. Because sometimes you just have to quit fighting yourself, you see?
And even if it's hard as nails letting that truth come to the surface and get a whole dedicated space, it does get tiring fighting you. Because at the end of the day, when it really comes down to it, life really does take care of itself. And so do we: strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats and all.
So give yourself a hug once in a while: your whole self, every piece of you—even that piece you think makes you unfit; you would look for it if it went missing.