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P33ish069: Dating Younger Men - All The Details You Didn't Think Mattered

This is going to be one of them go-for-the-gut type of posts, so I'm going to start with a couple disclaimers...ish:

-Shout out to the (un-exactly-willing, not-exactly-signed-up-for-this) muse who stays supplying me inspiration for eons. Tu es le reve, tu es belle. Don't read this through and then forget that. 😘

-I'd like to state it here that this is in no way directed at the whatever-curious fvck boys/ladies who date certain classes of people as a game. This is for the serious, those who do it for the long term: marriage or forever. Please get that.

There, done.

Now let's get to it.

We should also probably be getting a few cobwebs out the way too; basically because the reason some ladies will not date a younger fella is not 'cause of the age per se or because they've never come across a person who did/said all the right things and then turned out younger -- but because it looks like "dating down" to them (I say "turned out" very well knowing how this could happen 'cause I was already far gone with my first "younger" before I stumbled on his driver's license; I never would have guessed otherwise, and it just never came up).

But there is a difference between dating younger and dating down; you should probably not be on this page if you got that twisted but hey: you're here anyway, might as well serve you some clearance. 

Dating an older person (man, in this context) does not necessarily guarantee you an "Up," same way that dating a younger person doesn't guarantee you a "Down." Kind of like how a wedding ring doesn't guarantee you faithfulness or forever, pfft, but I digress. Yet again, for the uninitiated: "dating down" means dating someone with whom you get no kind of social (or professional, or financial) advancement. When you "date down," you're (sort of) dating someone 'lower' than you, don't matter their age; they're just not a strong plus: no value added, nothing brought to the table, only taken out of it. In other words, when you're dating down, you are, in all wise that matter, dating someone who--in street terms--is useless to the larger picture of your life. The opposite is the case when you "date up." Meaning that your younger partner could be the one who opens all the doors and makes all the magic happen; and the older one could be the one for whom you have to hold the door, kind of like a 'let's sha'. And vice versa.

I do try to understand though, how society calculates it so the woman always has to be the younger one because: body. I swear it's just body, and it is cray-zie, I don't care how they spin it; none of their explanations involves your heart and/or assured happiness. See all those other reasons, all that 'respect' and whatever else churchy bit they sandwich it all in-between? None of it counts or is an issue when you're with your person, in real love. It's mostly all about biology for them. And this is where I throw in my first point.

Conversation Matters. Looks Too: And I Ain't Talking Boobs & Ass. Or Beards...Much. 

I don't know what catches your attention first in a man, but I'm a face and body person. Man, I am an expert at once-overs, and it's hardly even ever sexual. It's not about abs or man boobs either, but aura, charisma...carriage. So if you got the appearance, then you can go ahead and back it up with your conversation skill. Conversations suck me in: grown up, mature, I-actually-still-wanna-keep-listening/responding-after-the-third-sentence kinds of conversation. Twitter opinion leaders actually got the "if she's 30 and above, you only have two minutes to say the right thing until she stops replying" bit right. It is true. And it's not because "they want to get married": that part they got wrong. I mean, I am three months away from thirty-five; if I'm still answering "wyd" chats by now--heck, if I'm answering any texts written in friggin' dumb abbreviations, or is it acronyms those are?--then my mother ought to sue for refunds and all my exes need to be suing for body count, 'cause...lmao! Fukkit, those are conversations that won't even begin, forget dying young. So yes, conversation isn't out-of-nowhere asking me what I'm doing "rn" or where I am or if I've eaten. What the actual fuck?! Like, child, I been eating before you were born, you wanna give the phone to your mommy now or what?

Okay I'll stop.

But clear me if I'm wrong, I don't think anyone opens a conversation with a "how old are you" anymore. I mean, not since the days of Yahoo Messenger's "ASL" (and if you don't know what that stands for, you should definitely slap that 'aunty' on my name like, right now), which just makes being able to start and hold your own in a conversation even that much more important, because there are some details that automatically get bumped way down the to-bother-about list if your oratory is lit. So if your face and body and your words are what I'm looking at and you don't look like a man's man but talk right, then we'll just keep enjoying the conversation while I look out for the body that covers mine. Literally. And a brain that matches. Because we can't be out with you looking out of place with my friends, or I unable to blend in with yours simply because I'm unable to can. By the way, I'm never tossing my man out with my (imaginary) friends if I think he'd be uncomfortable, but let's pretend I'm too hardcore to be that protective. Anyway, this is the looks that matter: fitting, physically.

Another thing that didn't even occur to me till recently is that you don't want to be with a guy who straight up looks and talks "obviously younger" (😲) and this is not so much for you as it is for him. Because you don't want him talking dumb one time and risk getting disrespected by anyone in your circle. There is something called "looking the part," and it's not applicable to job interviews alone; it matters in emotional/love partnerships too, especially in age-difference relationships. So there.

Lol, this just got me thinking. You know what's interesting? I didn't even start out saying oh I'm only gonna be dating younger guys now, no. I happen to have only had three pivotal relationships in my life: the first one (only one who gets to have his name mentioned), Bamidele, God rest his amazing soul, taught me the value of living in the "right now" and never stalling on what my heart wants as long as it's within reach and won't hurt nobody, 'cause tomorrow's not promised and we won't always get to get 'home'...even if your name is Bamidele 😊. God, that man opened me up. The second one I didn't stall on "right now" with and he gave me something I been wanting since I was twenty-one: a child who changed the direction of my hitherto hollow life. And the third one showed me the beauty in the parts of male-female union that I was certain I couldn't ever deal with: cohabiting, waking up to the same person everyday and not getting out-of-my-mind bored, getting vulnerable, risking see-finish...submission; he is the reason I have realized that even though this one part of my life is the one I very firmly do not want any traditional (read: society stipulated) stamps on, I do in fact want an "our" type of...everything. I don't know what, or who, is next, but I'm hoping he's an everything-with-you/stick-it-through kind of guy too; cause I gat 'orgasms at sixty-five' type plans, and it so happens that I am a relationship person after all.

Point here? The first guy was my exact age-mate, the other two are (like, way) younger: and I had never experienced anything more real, or ever imagined that 'real' could be replicated or recreated, or known that real don't necessarily come dressed in "same." It can be different, but just as original. It also don't come with a birth certificate unless you're making it a requirement. And yes, real can expire too.


Statistics Matter: And I'm Talking Numbers, And Gap.

Numbers matter, statistics matter, money too. There are ladies who go like, I don't particularly have a problem with dating or marrying younger so long as it's not more than so-and-so years difference. I am one of those ladies, bite me, so I agree with their rationale. I think there's a difference between a 28-year-old lady dating a 24-year-old guy ('cause the probably still care about the same things--I mean, esp. if she is ajebutter), and a 34-year-old lady dating a 26-year-old guy—because they most probably don't care about the same things and somebody is almost definitely getting used for som'ing (don't be telling me about Gabrielle Union and Dwayne Wade from your Abule-Egba apartment if you don't want to choke on your next orgasm biko). A forty-two year old lady and a thirty-five year old guy however? Different story. Point is, there is just a certain gap that works in certain brackets in certain climes for certain interests and purposes. So you most definitely want to keep the mark within reach, even though you can't necessarily guarantee anything however well you do your homework; but you want to make sure anyway, keeping all surrounding probabilities in mind, that you can relax and feel safe enough to make plans with your younger partner.

The reason numbers matter is because you want someone who is grown grown: got his own place, has solid realistic goals/plans (and if you got kid(s) this is where "daddy genes" come in), is making his own money so everyone's wallet is safe from unpleasant intrusion; and above all, cannot be parent-walked or peer-pressured out of the relationship. Very important, that one. Although there's no way to guarantee that even if you have 'the talk' and get reassured twenty times over cause, pffft! But hey, as much as it depends on the readily obvious, you want to be sure that: this person is on his own two feet; isn't playing games or using you to massage his mommy issues; won't be crutching on you or leeching off of you; definitely isn't still in hundred percent need of parental approval; can be trusted to be in charge of his feelings (for you) and not have them subject to his friends' opinion in that way that has you expecting the air to automatically change every time he returns from hanging out with the boys, and lastly; can be depended on to make decisions for you both. Yes, for you both: 'cause you have to be able to defer to him (yes, feminista Falomu, I said defer to)...and the particular importance of this with a younger male partner I explain in my next point which now has to be my next post, because I have a child to take care of and why do you need all this information right now anyway?

Hah!

I'll put the remaining part up on Sunday. I'd do it tomorrow but I promised someone a wedding feature, lol, and I got all their pretty traditional wedding photos heating my Gmail up, so...Saturdays are for weddings, non?

So, till Sunday—on this one. 

Go get loved, sister. Life is short.

###

Next part has been updated HERE

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