Say "Hi" if this hadn't been the 2019 you ordered too...?
'Cause there has to be a manager we could talk to about product quality, dammit!
God, this year has been IT! A really crazy it, because it started out so beautifully. So so beautifully. And then it was as though I took a test and failed. Or maybe it was that I took too many things for granted and wasn't thankful enough, or fussing when I shoulda been nursing or whatever. Because just like that, (almost) everything went to shits. And Lord, how I'm still here and able to stay standing, is a miracle I'll never take for granted. Because this year demanded my very life. Almost got it too.
Everyone is excited about a new month; I am too, because of course 'tis the season and I run a frigging hair shop, duh, so yaaay! LOL. But in all the senses that matter (like anything could matter more than selling hair at Yuletide, but let's pretend) I am over the year altogether. It's got not so much to do with the fact that I had cried -- nay, bawled -- practically every single day from June till Thanksgiving, as much as the mental fatigue that remaining in the year itself triggers.
Girl, I have done it all, literally done it ALL this year: laugh, love, weep, pray like a demon was on my neck, attempt dying, come back to living, rediscover my own core, re-establish my purpose, have new desires, be actually able to make plans again, and laugh...again. 2019 has been a full circle and as muddy as the routes that have led me here have been, I am grateful for the experience of the journey; my strengths and limits too. I happened to have missed out on more than half of my twenties and the start of my thirties, you see, so in a way I guess 2019 came with the whole all-everyone-needs-to-experience-at-least-once-before-they-turn-forty bag of lessons that I had skipped. Because some things, you just have to experience at least once: 2019 was my once. Yes, I use "was," because I am out of it -- this year. I literally am ready to go.
So: hello 2020.
I have fought this year. Man, how I have fought. For everything. It's a fight I am happy to have had too, because it is one thing to perceive yourself as never-quitting strong or solid or loyal to whatever cause or dream; and it is another thing to have that conviction tossed in the oven to brown. But November 30th is where I punch out. And brown or burnt, I am thankful for the way I came out: I really am all that I thought I am, plus more. And I am excited for the meal that I make.
I munched a lot of humble pie this year too, jeez. It got ridiculous at some point but I am happy to have done it: leave no hatchets lying around. At least I hope. But as far as it depended on me, I cleaned my house. And it just feels wrong to have any more 2019 mud come soiling the floors up in here. So I'm ready for an actually new beginning, and what's more: I'm not waiting in line hoping on anybody to hand it to me. Me finna get it right where I am, inside-out first of all, of course; and then we see who we invite in to come sit with us. But for now, it's "goodbye '19," in all of my mental rooms, "it's been real, girl."
Man, I really looked at myself in the mirror this year, flaws and all. And I didn't look away, which was a major win: calling check-in with me and not dodging the inquisition; I answered to my own self, spoke my own truths to me, and I am excited for what I do with the woman that emerged from that mental court. I'm rooting that she'd make it alright, and make it all right; but she's done paying whatever she might have owed. She's fought a damn good fight and now her 2019 sword is sheathed, happily; live to fight another day and all that.
I really have had a full year. But our Lord stays good. So I'm just gonna relax all through December: emotionally and mentally; and just close my eyes, hands behind my head and just let the tides take me, for once -- get me out of my pride, my obsessions and paranoid need to control every outcome and just...surprise me. Spoil me even. Like, let this Talitha be gently called to rise, for she been down too long, Rabbi.
So for this one last month of this one year where everything inside of me has been tried and tested for truth and substance, I shall not be chasing after anything (anything that's not weave-on and attachment money, that is 😁).
I'm just gonna be here getting my Zen on.
Let every good thing come...