Let me start this by saying a very big thank you to the handful of you who read something on this blog and just take it upon yourself to check in on me. I am well, thank you.
Being a Personal Essayist is basically a posh way of saying you've made an art of documenting your own experiences with a little (or, okay, a lot of) storyteller touch; and thanks to Mama Fate, I'm like a whole factory of those: pretty good and not-so-good. So ion even gotta make no shit up: my life is a breathing literature. But I am not in any way ungrateful for the life I've been given, or the people in it: past or present; or the experiences they have given and continue to give me. I have had laughter, and tears, and love, and friendship; and passion. And if I let Pachamama support and hold me on up here long enough, I know I'd still have so much more of those, because life does come two-sided, don't it? And it's this side that makes us appreciate or long for the other side more; 'here' is how we are able to understand 'there' better. So I am grateful. And I am not ashamed to share my progress: win, lose, or momentarily stuck; with you. Because that's the whole point of this anyway: expression, healing, progress. So thank you, for reading, for reaching out, for sharing, and for relating with the parts of me that speak to you. And ooohhh, I got a virtual hug this morning after that check-in, so thank you--to you. And may I say that there is a special place in heaven for people who ask if they can call before they make that call? You are a rare specie and I might have to do a little blog post on that sometime, like really...ask first! There, rant done. Back to base. I really was having a moment and I just needed to push through it the only way I know how. I feel much better now.
I am out of that corner, for right now.
And if you are still in a corner of your own, picture me sitting at your door talking to you through it, telling you I'll be right here for when you get out; take all the time you need. I'll be here. There also is this little hack that I wanted to share with you. It's not like a magic trick or anything and it may not work with a full-out depression episode, but it helps when dealing with them random mood-drops that hit us every now and then. It could involve a pen and a paper, or basically just talking to your own self in a mirror moment if you can try be true to your own feelings even when it's the last thing you wanna do in that moment.
I had watched a sappy movie last night. The story line had been too familiar and oh so sappy and I had cried. I opened my phone and the first person with a message waiting was a friend I could get vulnerable with, because we sort of speak the same language -- feelings wise. So it was easy to tell him exactly where my head was in the pool of feelings that that movie had tossed me in. Woke up this morning and my mood apparently hadn't picked back up from last night, and so I knew what I needed to do.
Naming your feelings always helps. It might not particularly dispel your despondence right away but it helps you identify and aknowledge what's at the center of your feelings in that moment; and when you have done this, you find you have sort of put a timer on that feeling, and so it becomes only a matter of time. But I know now that it usually won't last as long as it would if you just stayed in there, letting it fling you hither-thither. And oh yes, I know that when your mood takes a nosedive like that, the last thing you wanna do is a mental exercise. But hey, we wanna be masters of our emotions and not the other way round, right? So the next time your mood becomes a sponge that soaks in all your feelings and get you feeling heavy, you might wanna do this little exercise:
What are you feeling right now?
(sad/lonely/depressed/moody/just wanna cry, etc.)
Why do you think you're feeling this way?
(remembered something/missing *name them/it*/got triggered/someone said the wrong thing/don't have money etc.)
Is there anything that could fix it?
(a call/text/a yell/some weed/an orgasm/writing/a sale etc.)
Can you get/do it right now?
(Is it available or within your reach? Is it your call? Is it possible right now?)
Do you want to?
-If yes to this, go ahead: do it.
(Make the call/send the text/shout loudly or tell whoever has made you feel bad what they did/get the weed/grab your orgasm/channel your feeling in writing or whatever your art is/talk to a potential customer or client.)
-And if no, tell yourself why.
(Can't call or text because the response would make you feel even worse/can't get a quiet place to scream and can't get into a confrontation 'cause you'd really rather not have the drama/no weed around right now and can't get any/partner isn't here and don't want to masturbate because you don't like how you feel after/it's too late for business, etc.)
It is not easy to get into but talking your own self out of a yucky headspace is doable. And by the time you are done, the worst of it would have passed.
After I told myself what I was feeling and what I needed and what could possibly fix it and which of the options was available to me and wrote myself through this morning, I sat in the same spot in my sitting room, plugged my earphones in and let the music play on the highest volume and just literally waited for the mood to flow away and give room to something lighter. I was there for two hours, listening to music, texting and tweeting. I didn't even feel like eating until the last of it had passed. And then I got up, fixed something to eat, tidied my house, welcomed my son back from school, completely not moody now. And now I can do another writing--with my earphones still blasting in my ears, of course. Point is, I usually could stay in that mood all day and just zombie through my day, but I promised myself I would give it my best shot to not be 'down' when my son was around, and so this little mirror-me has been my go-to mental snack. I won't suppress or try to not feel whatever it is that's flooding through my pipes in whatever moment but, as much as I can help it, I'm determined to not let it cripple me so much anymore. I need me. And I have a little human who does too. And hey, I actually like my own head better when it's not declaring a lights out, so...
I'm here, alright?
If you need me, I'm here.
A bad day/moment don't necessarily translate to a bad life.