I wish people didn't hurt people. I wish we didn't hurt each other. I wish we didn't hurt; period. And in the event that we do, I wish it didn't take so long, or such complicated processes, to recover. I wish we all just bounced back like it never happened. Because healing is weird. The healing process in itself could hurt. Because one day you are fine, back in your colors, certain you are out of it: you're over it, over them, getting better; getting a stronger grip on things. And it makes you feel good! Oh it feels mighty good to not be in pain; to not double over every time you try to get up and leave that spot. So you are happy, because you're getting up today and you're not doubling over as the pain slices through your midsection, or grips your chest. Wow look! You think, you never thought you could do it, didn't think it'd ever happen: that you would get out of that dark place, stop crying, get past that pain; but here you are, and it now all seems like some distant memory, or some other person's experience. Oh wow. You even wonder who that blubbery anguish-y person was that had taken over your body just the other day, 'cause that don't look like you now. And so you're happy, and proud of your own progress. You never thought you'd make it out but you did. You're here. Out in the sun. You're well. You feel good. You have your life back. You can do this!
And then you hit a bend.
Something happens: you watch a movie, listen to a song, read a book, see a picture, talk to an old friend; and it could have been a whole 'nother person in a whole different planet who'd been feeling all that good feeling just yesterday. Because it's no way in hell you even imagined you had escaped this...this...this feeling right now that's clutching your chest in such a fierce grip and making it so hard to breathe. Oh God, you think. How long has it been again? When did this injury happen? You don't even know. Because this thing in your chest doesn't feel like pain from a year ago, this feels like someone just raised a hammer all the way up and landed it on your chest with all the strength they could muster, all the while staring you dead in the eye. No, this most definitely is a new pain, a new injury, because you were fine just yesterday! You were ready to go, to forget, to begin again; you already got past that! Or did you? Were you even close to beginning? Now you're trying not to cry, or double over, or just curl up in a ball and let the despair claim you. But how? How is this still so raw? How does it still hurt this bad? You wonder. And it makes you sad. Because you had this in the bag, you were doing it, putting one conscious foot in front of the other; just moving. But now you feel like a failure. 'Cause you're fast losing your grip on composure. You thought you had this. But then here you are, a gasping blubbery mess, in such agony it seems impossible that you had even begun to mend in the first place. So now you're right back where you began: confused, hurt, anguished, sad...so sad. And it's all you can do to not give in to the despair closing in on you, but you really can't fight it this time. You are tired. You are worn. 'Cause I mean, what's the point? You fought yesterday, and the day before that, and the week before then, and the month before that one; and you could have sworn you'd won. Or at least been winning. So where's all this fresh pain coming from? Why does the despair look and feel as gigantic as it did the first time it appeared? Will it ever get smaller? You wonder. Will it ever fade? Will it ever disappear?
Or will you always hurt? Never truly heal?
Will you always be on the mend?
Related: click here to read The Heaviness Of Hope & The Timeline For Healing
And I wish I knew but I don't, really. Not right now. Because 'you' is me today. So I guess we'll just breathe through the despair and try get through the day. Even if we have to do it from that little corner on the floor, and dare hope that if the despair didn't swallow us last year, or last week, or yesterday; then it won't swallow us today.
So how about a stare down?
A cower is good too, if that's what gets you by.
Win some, lose some, right?